i hope my words are strange and wondrous,

like kisses that quiet all things superfluous,

so that we can all stop and

listen

and my love for Austen only deepens.

i admit it is a rather indulgent habit

as Austen writes delightfully, but not in a fashion that would be deemed worthy

of the highly self-thought intelligent minds i seem to meet.

i have never been a fan of the pompous style,

to study complexity is purely for the sake of translating it into the simple

and the comprehend-able

to improve me

i have come to realize that only when i am submerged in a book, or just emerging from one

that i find myself most comfortable with being me.

only then do i truly appreciate my love for literature

a love that has caused me much grief in the past..

and sometimes its still hard to be reconciled to the fact

that my person makes it impossible for me to ever

become that shining star i dreamed of being from so long ago.

i wonder always why im never quite comfortable with myself.

and its not that my confidence is lacking,

but my confidence extends as far as my abilities

and then maybe falls short of me.

i am confident that i am capable,

and not confident in myself as another person.

maybe thats why its still so hard for me to take criticism,

not of my work.

but of my tastes..

of hearing that my dress sense is inadequate,

my music taste is bad.

my perception of the world unfounded, immature...

my ideas of principle disregarded - irrational.

it makes me wonder what then is an adequate dress sense,

or a great music taste.

what perception of the world is founded and completely mature

and ideas of principle rational and unbiased.

each person being a complete individual

works in his or her own set of systems, rules and thought processes.

and each person decides for him/herself what is pleasing, what is enjoyable..

so how is it that there is still so much criticism of each other, when we all work in a completely different set of rules.

this idea has stuck in my head for a few years now,

and i find myself battling my own desire to impose my set of rules on other people on a daily basis.

despite my attempts, i fail often and find myself regretting on something i said, or something i did..for the next month or so.

and even if brought into remembrance now, makes me feel.. squirmy. haha

this of course, does not apply to the general sense of morals,

but it goes quite far.

people disagree.

on everything.

but i as an individual, have given over my system of rules to be modified by God Almighty himself..

and it is by his rules, and processes that determine my moral judgment and my conscience.

and thus it makes no sense for me to feel entitled to decide for someone whose rules are entirely their own, and not of God.

does that make sense? =/

the thought seems unfinished.. but i am quite at a loss at how to continue..

i haven't finished thinking it out,

i don't think i ever will

and that in itself is part of the refining process of growing older..

anyway,

met up with Ada, Valerie and Albert (again) yesterday,

for lunch.. shopping.. dinner.

it was fully enjoyable.

apart from lots of buying (on ada's part)

and trying (on valerie's part)

and eating...

we talked.

for two and a half hours..

which is one of my favorite pastimes..

talking over a meal. hahaha

it was pretty cold outside.

on the low side of 10degrees.. maybe 15...

i was wearing shorts.

but it was pleasant enough,

wasn't too cold.

it was good.

lots of laughing

and name-calling "bitch".

=/

anyway.

i have two emails to reply to...

and much more to think about.