i hope my words are strange and wondrous,

like kisses that quiet all things superfluous,

so that we can all stop and

listen

a high from coming home.

so much laughing, (the monster laugh)

so much chilling,

so much talking,

so much love.

i feel it is appropriate however,

at this time,

to come off this high.

(except maybe for the karaoke sesh coming up this thursday)

for the last few months i've been keeping myself real busy,

watching dramas, reading books, obsessing over good looking movie stars and such.

all who've been around me for this while are well aware of this.

and despite how much i really do enjoy a goodlooking male face,

(i really do)

i realized last night (whilst watching the BOF afterstory)

- on a side note, kim bum's suit was legitly smexy. and leeminho's hair was perfect-

that it was less the faces (although they are bonuses)

and more the actions that i was attaching myself to.

seeing other people with working relationships

makes me happy, not sad.

i don't feel jealous of female leads, or wish to be in a relationship with male stars (although i spew out all the husband/cheating rubbish haha)

im not sure what it is really.

referencing BOF afterstory, watching kim bum walk with his bouquet, and minho make his cookies

made me sad.

and "aww-ed"

if you know what that is. =/

i dont think im making very much sense here,

just struggling to put down the in-betweenness of my emotion.

to be in a relationship,

and not be in a relationship at the same time.

to be coupled,

but receive none of the support of a coupling,

to be uncoupled,

but receive none of the freedom of an uncoupling.

its a waiting.

a waiting for God to heal,

a waiting for time to pass,

a waiting for a future in his hands.

i. hate. this. waiting. shebang.

i hate being stuck here.

i hate having to deal.

i hate having to get over my tears.

everything now is going whack.

if im too happy its a high.

if im too sad im being emo.

whatever i say,

whatever i do.

its all only a momentary loss of control.