i hope my words are strange and wondrous,

like kisses that quiet all things superfluous,

so that we can all stop and

listen

not conscious, but much needed.

it is hard to step out of a circle so comfortable

and say goodbye.

but dear i am glad you have this circle

and into this circle i cannot go.

i feel the loss keenly as i sit here

alone and feeling the effect of what is commonly called

loneliness.

a self-pitying moment that will eventually vanish

when i cease to be self-absorbed, and instead count my blessings.

am i missed, am i remembered?

the struggle with self-doubt continues day in, day out.

how hard it is to be good, to be pure, to be right.

all the things i wish,

that never seem to be

as i move from failure to failure and receive grace in between.

how then do i remain true and unswerving in this world that tells otherwise?

in a past that will forever be unchanged?

in a person that cannot seem to reconcile the worser parts of her personality to goodness?

i don't even feel like a diamond in the rough.

i just feel like the rough.

and yet, this poor speck of me wishes so hard

to have honor, integrity, wisdom, truth, love, grace, and gentleness.

the greatest compliment to know that i have done well, and that this heart and soul

is doing just what her Maker intended her to be.

it is so hard.

i fall and i fall

and i pride myself on always getting up,

but wouldn't it be lovely,

to not have to fall so hard every time?

to be told that i bring a ray of sunshine?

even when i was with you,

my goodness was your burden

and never your blessing.

how then am i to be a light in this world when the only type of light i give is blinding?

how then do i give my love when my love hurts, discourages and does not heal?

i find myself confronting a mess of intention and accident every morning

in the mirror and am at a loss as to what i should do.

what is the price to pay?

and when you hear me cry would you give me a hug?

this fight is such a lonely one.