i hope my words are strange and wondrous,

like kisses that quiet all things superfluous,

so that we can all stop and

listen

and i came, i saw,

i faltered.

no words to describe that painful moment when your eyes met mine,

and so many other times i've looked into those eyes,

and so many other times i've had the liberty of running to those arms,

and so many other times the smile i've returned meant 'i love you'

but not any more.

it is a painful moment,

it solidifies my loss,

it magnifies your absence.

and i faltered.

in that second i questioned if i had done the right thing,

and in that second i didn't have an answer.

time rolls on however,

and the schedule of the day unfolds as always,

again and again i find my eyes wandering over a form i know too well,

i note the changes, i remember that which stays the same.

and in my heart i am crying out 'oh God would you help me please.'

and with that constant prayer i know this battle isn't over,

but the first fight has already been won.

because the first place my eyes have turned to is the right place.

and i realize how far i've come this past year,

i read my pause in the light of 4 months after your departure and God's rebuke,

and i see.

oh i see the strength, the love, the joy, the wisdom and the courage that He pours and pours into this weak beating heart of mine,

washing all the corners out,

no more darkness, only sunshine.

in that pause i see faces,

who love me, who pray for me, who expect things of me

and i will not disappoint.

the moment passes,

and at the end of these strings of moments,

i find myself better,

and the second challenge overcome this time.

not the end of struggle, temptation and failure.

just the beginning of a stronger woman.