i hope my words are strange and wondrous,

like kisses that quiet all things superfluous,

so that we can all stop and

listen

the places you think strength are supposed to come from,

turn out to be the places of greatest weakness.

and it hurts.

and sometimes,

unexpected gifts come in the form of unexpected people

and give you strength and joy when you need it most.

today was a day of such much trial,

and it has been so long since i've heard myself cry this way.

an afternoon of just sitting, with my back against the wall

in complete fatigue.

an over exertion of the body, and the mind.

if only they didn't all come at once, maybe i would have strength to recollect,

sometimes i think oh God why do you trust me this much,

sometimes i wonder oh God if everyone is imperfect why do i pay such high prices for my mistakes?

but then i remember,

resolving to go back to Toronto a different person from the one who left it.

and i think if i were to go back now,

that resolution would be fulfilled enough.

...and we still have two months to go.

痛苦是因為

這些仗得自己打。

不能分享的戰爭，是為了要保護

与我對立的人。

因為對立的其實，是珍貴的人。

因為傷害我的人，是重要的人。

所以不能說。

可是負擔沈重的讓人喘不過氣

自己扛的好辛苦，好寂寞。

但也許這樣，

我會學起堅強。

好好的學，

牢牢的記。

好累。

好想離開，

但那是逃跑。

自己最清楚，那是錯的。

我一定可以克服。只是，好想轉進一個溫暖的懷裡，

痛哭一場。

好讓心里少難過一些。

that is a luxury i don't have however,

and for now,

its just me.

they all point to the greatest rock,

and i cling on, yes i do.

i lost a great source of strength.

and i am not looking for a replacement,

but my structure is unsteady, and it rocks without that you.

the answer is still,

wait. my dearest.

just wait.

so i do.

with everything i have,

i am waiting.

believe me.

even if this structure has to crash, fall and rebuild itself

i will not disobey and look for a replacement.

i will not.

i will wait.