i hope my words are strange and wondrous,

like kisses that quiet all things superfluous,

so that we can all stop and

listen

external and internal.

the longer i live,

the more there is to hide.

at least,

my first instinct is to hide.

turning around to see where i've come from

is both a marvelous display of grace and a shocking experience of shame

and they hit simultaneously.

the first emotion is silence.

i am still learning what it means to live in the grace of God,

to understand the way faith works and transforms.

at the same time, the present does nothing to change the past

it is still there, old temptations, old folly, old remembrances

and they sit, and wait, till time and opportunity give them another chance

to rear their ugly heads and eat away at my green sense of comfort.

it is hard to live with my past.

these few months have become intentional wrestling matches

with not just the fact, but the emotion that refuses to budge.

it is so much harder for us to forgive ourselves,

which is not a pretentious periphrasis of self-praise.

it just means we have less capacity than God to love,

even when it comes to what we value most in the world,

us.

but when they come,

these terrible shadows, these gaping mistakes,

when they move,

these sneering judgment calls,

creeping amidst confusion and self-doubt

destroying all the good and branding my heart

"undone"

i have learned,

that in facing the past

God loves me more than i'll ever love me

and shame will fade,

and strength will grow,

as grace rains... and rains... and rains...