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isn't it? unless the chaos of voices is beyond decipherable and the growing din clogs the nerves like traffic at sundown till all that is left is numb suspension, and a toxic stench. it is a simple matter of pretending, isn't it? unless pretense is just a cover for anguish that begs to be recognized as more than ungratefulness and asks for leave to be at its very worst and still be beloved. and all the question marks chase me down the street as though i left something important and they need to return it but the closer they get the meaner the intention and really it is a snatch-and-run about to happen and what is important was in my left back pocket until a moment oh. i must confess Father, that when you say i love you. i don't know what that means at all. i love you yeah. i know none of those words. and i am ashamed. this taskmaster, Father is particularly cruel. his whip splays across the surface of my heart and rips in cracks that grow and snake till a whole is wholly not. or. maybe, this is the price paid to say i love you? Labels: faith, my poetry, personal 會使人忘記从哪裡來，往哪裡去。 一句話，能把一個人身體里全部的痛都喚醒。 一個舉動，能戳破身體里建好的那個圍牆。 怎麼辦呢？ 勇敢的自己， 堅強的自己， 怎麼了？ 認清了事實后，是否失去了動力？ 看清了自己后，是否無法抬頭？ 為甚麼要給你的是這個？ 為甚麼給你的過程會這麼殘忍？ 捨命的人才能得生，對吧？ 傻傻的自以為，算甚麼呢？ 走過的路，算甚麼呢？ 再一次的，要从我的心，割掉一塊。 很久以前，寫著一條一條，對自己的提醒 的手， 甚麼時候握緊成拳頭，開始往自己的身上打？ 最終的目標，曾寫過 “美麗” 甚麼時候改成 “生存” ？ 失去了目標的人， 能是甚麼？ 親愛的你說， 這到底是為甚麼？ 有沒有誰的人生，能永遠這樣快樂？ 親愛的告訴我， 到底該怎麼做？ 才讓每個埋在心里的傷口，能開出花，再結成果？ "我就是葡萄樹，你們是枝條。那住在我裡面、我也在他裡面的，他才結出很多果子" i am faced with the daunting task of anticipating an entire semester that i do not foresee myself enjoying. in the entire history of my academic life, i have never dreaded 4 months more. such is life. i guess its time to notch another marker in my bildungsroman stick. my foresight is dampening my mood, and stressing my brain out in unprecedented ways. i guess i am much more of a free spirit than i knew myself to be. i also mourn the loss of money that is going down the drain, in exchange for four months of classes i don't want to take, and deem utterly redundant. jaded and cynical with the system - that pretty much sums up the current state of affairs. i pray for patience, for perseverance and renewed joy every morning, but to be sure, this will be a steep, uphill climb. fingers crossed for less homework, and a site supervisor who will let me play a minimal role. i am practicing a silence God, that honors who You are. i will try my hardest, with my colleagues, to not buy into a culture of complaining. sanctify my thoughts, and take every word i speak captive to your plan for me. amen. physically exhausted from the conference but new breath has been breathed into me. Beautiful, divine strength. Patient, loving reminders. Grace-filled affirmations. The healing power of only one. goodbye year. hello year. i can only imagine what might wait, just around the riverbend. 靜靜的圍繞著珍貴的禮物。 thank you for coming, thank you for loving me. this year my vision seems a little more murky but i feel your presence with me still, a solid rock in the center of my inconsistency. a still flame in the darkness of my soul, reminding me of the battle that is already won. i will press on dearest, and follow the footsteps you left 2000 years ago, to the foot of the cross. and on a night like this, i truly believe the heavens were silent, breathless in anticipation and bittersweet emotion. What did you see that night? did you know there would be a me? i love you Lord, and i lift my voice, to worship you O my soul rejoice. take joy my king in what you hear, may it be a sweet sweet sound, in your ear. tonight i stay silent for you, Remembering what love pushed you to come, that hope would follow and grace abound. Labels: faith, musically inspired or you could say, the glazed sugary warmth of a freshly made creme brulee. my fingers run over wooden benches radiating comfort in their unyielding nature. a history of uncompromise in the face of a world always collapsing on its empty words. and silence cleaves to the skin, the ghost of a gargoyle unwilling to remove its mask of terror for fear of losing what it was made to protect. Holiness was meant to be precious, but surely, it was for the mundane, for the everyday, so that Kingdom of heaven and earth would be now. it is a day where silence reverbs from within. it is a day of unfurling clenched fists. it is a day of redemption. God is mending my cracks with gold, and i am broken, but i am also whole. if i close my eyes, grace will surely abound. then i will overflow. and wonder if i've bitten off more than i can chew. i really can't respond, because my mouth is full and it is rather impolite to speak when one's mouth is full. nevertheless, it is a futile argument to discuss the relation of my abilities to the weight of responsibility because the fact of the matter is, this is how it had to be. i have considered other options, and i have considered spitting out, but i don't believe that course of action is what was intended, so i continue my ingestion. 累的很值得，因為知道我現在活的好豐盛。 there is good being done here, within and without. 我願意熬過最疲憊的今天，因為明天的我將會更堅強。 to consider the many things i've learned in the short span of these few weeks already, to be humbled again and again, to be broken again and again, just so i can better see the glory of Christ for which i am striving. You promised strength through your Holy Spirit, i will hold you to it. No, i will demand it. Be my everything. Labels: faith, musing, personal 請別跟我打招呼。 我最近很疲憊。 也許工作量多了， 也許時間豐滿了， 也許問題變大了， 但，我累的是 我哭的是 我難過的是， 我以為的你們， 也距離我好遠。 我，是不是很驕傲？ 我，是不是很俐落？ 我，是不是很堅強？ 我，是不是很能幹？ 沒說。 我這一生，最不愛說。 怕情緒會不受控制，怕脆弱會被攻擊。 我 不說。 所以，眼淚它們替我吶喊， “號外！ 號外！” 這裡的人， 誰看的見？ 誰能瞭解？ 誰願意愛？ 沒有條件的， 沒有畏懼的， 沒有負擔的， 好好愛。 只聽見一陣風， 帶著小小的一聲， “我。” Labels: faith, musing, personal 是多麼堅強，也多麼脆弱。 有人為了夢想，拼了一生。 有人為了一生，放棄夢想。 有人走到了最後，回頭看的時候，滿面後悔。 也有人从不會為放棄過的而遺憾，因為換來的對他們來說，更值得。 那麼，哪一個才是夢想呢？ 是最初起點的感動？ 還是最終點的感觸？ 我們為了甚麼而遺憾？ 也為了甚麼而陶醉？ 我們到底是為了甚麼？ 十年了 二十年了。 接下來的十年，又等著我的甚麼？ 夢想，一次又一次的浮現，的不見，的改變。 而追尋夢想的我，也不停的成長。 發現了， 原來我努力邁向的不是夢想， 而是榮耀。 也發現了，永恆的榮譽，意味著比我大很多的天空。 改名吧。 接下來的十年，想找到的是: purpose. Labels: faith, musing, personal when days were untainted by absences and tears were summoned through unrealistic fantasies. when silence was only achieved through slumber, and laughter romped like a creature of the wild, without restraint. it is much harder now, as life stretches a little, and holes start to appear. little pockets of space once inhabited, others fragile, fraying at the edges. it is much harder now, when i cry for lost memories, and a dread of the known future. that there will be the valley, or that it could already be here. today i am feeling a slight weight of years, although it numbers twenty, it is sufficient. today i will be still, and tonight i will pray, oh God will you please see me through, all of the way. Labels: faith, musing, personal, summer 帶著包袱，帶著困擾，帶著疑問，帶著不滿，帶著難過，帶著回憶，帶著所有 走著。 走到十字架的時候， 我會坐在那， 望著你為了我，而克服的痛苦， 我會聽，你為了愛，而悲傷的身影。 我能看你嗎？ 我的眼神，會不會移轉？ my dearest, or are you? where have i placed you? i keep looking away. the road ends at the foot of the cross. and here i am, not surprised at the ending, but surprised always. how do i end up here every time? and why do i keep returning? 我要把帶著的全部， 留在這裡。 可以嗎？ 我，可以嗎？ Labels: faith, musing, personal, summer little invasive forces sneaking in via the cracks in my defenses... this job is beginning to get more challenging, when something lies this close to the self, the friction that disagreement can create, burns just a little more. halp me. seems like these few days, i have to take more time outs than usual, guess when you pray for something, God really does give what you ask for. oh life. Labels: faith, musing, personal i love the feeling of taking off a year, all at once. and to look at a different me in the mirror, without the weight of the recent past. it is a good change. i am calmly and pointedly picking my weapons. these words of power, these threads of truth. i am striving, to meet the standard of integrity, i am working, to live out a rhythm of grace. i am packing in the ammunition, for i know the war that is waging, and i know the tide that is steadily rising, i am planting myself firmly on these foundations, and holding onto the best defense i have, may the grace of Christ be my sword, and my shield, be my armor and my battle cry. for the Kingdom, that is my new vision. Labels: faith, musing, personal, summer a solace in running, in moving, a restlessness i find in my veins, that i never thought was there. away from the past two weeks that have been jam-packed with the way my life has unfolded, of tiresome and awesome, intertwined into the rhythm of the day. the blessings are numerous and the roots are spreading and digging deeper... into a wordless underground the spring of ever-rushing joy. but i am overwhelmed, and i need some quiet, to put my shoulder to a plow and push till i break a healthy sweat in silence, save for the stray bird and the sound of wind through a hollow stem of grass. to fall into a pace with the rhythm of a work, that asks fully for my attention and none of my heart. what of the heart? no questions. no more questions. i am dropping the present for a breath of the past. i have been wrong i have been wronged i am still here though, and grace is setting me free. i am becoming who i was meant to be. and the road is rocky, but God knows, oh how he knows, it is so worth trying. Labels: faith, homecoming, musing, personal, summer and in doing so, i sorted through my soul, and rearranged the space. i am always striving, but sometimes i lose my way, and lately there have been many of those days. a fragile state of independence shaken and crumbling again with your newfound existence. it would be simple, and easy to collapse against your chest, in comforting slumbers. sheltered against my fears from arms that promise to stay, despite their need to move. but i am not that kind of girl. and i cannot live with myself, curled up in your embrace. it cheapens the strength i have gained, and drags me back into the same sins of yesterday. so i push you away. perhaps it is why it always feels safer to erect a wall and stay on the other side. perhaps it is why i am cleaning and cleaning, to reconfigure the space of my heart, and place you somewhere safe. but that is not right either. to hold you at arms length, means to deny you entrance. it weakens the conviction of your question and my answer that laid a love in place. so i show you around. perhaps it is why it feels like a tightrope stretched taut between two selves. perhaps it is why i am tugging and pulling, for attention, and all your affection to rest, the way dust settles, on me. 'how do i let you love me?' is the question, and thus far, the answer lies on the other side of someday. Labels: faith, musing, personal, self-portrait where demolition foregrounds itself in the matters of the heart. this time, i am relishing the crash a little more, and watching the dust swirl up in anticipation. for i know, that when it all settles, and the debris has all been cleared. i will see the structure of the most beautiful dwelling i've ever set my eyes on, rising up into the air, ready to receive the only One who was meant to live there. Labels: C.S. Lewis, faith, literary traces, personal that's what the past few days have been, and on a sunday afternoon i fall onto my pillow and pass into a dream state from which i awaken unexpectedly renewed. like my soul took the chance when my body was still to run for reserves, and a fresh suit of armor. for new strength, and new spirit, and a prayer answered. "have you been resting?" comes the question. the answer now, is yes. Labels: faith, musically inspired, musing, personal
but eternal.
reflecting inward and outward,
creating in form and in verse,
hung in the window and in the ear,
splayed across the floor and across the sky,
inked on the arm and on the mind.
i am chasing
the conundrum of you having left and left these behind
and having never gone away ever.
the dialectic of a brokenness that calls attention to itself
in order to point out that which eradicates itself.
the paradox of a law that condemns in order to shine the truth
of grace into the hearts of the condemned.
i am chasing after the beauty that is
the traces of You
in this world,
that show me of
the world beyond.
today i am wondering
美了沒？
沒了美？
兩者都是。
Labels: faith, musing, personal
not that i haven't been alone in a while,
but there's been much going on.
and i guess i'm reeling in my social lines because i have too many fish in the bucket already.
so many thoughts:
the dual potentials of chairing,
have been processes of watching God's will for me unfold in my life.
it is incredibly exciting,
but also overwhelming,
and i still have to catch my breath.
glory is intimidating, i don't want to shine, at least... not in exchange for my privacy.
but i know, that following a great God means he will use me for great things,
but great things also mean great sacrifices.
how far will i follow you Jesus?
i want to say "to the ends of the earth"
but the truth is, i don't know.
i feel the burden of leadership, settling comfortably between my shoulder blades,
and the lie, hovering just above it, behind my ear,
telling of personal greatness,
personal desire, and personal glory.
i am apprehensive. i know the traps,
but knowing is no safety net against the fall.
so i run,
looking for a time out.
"why are you here?"
"to be with You. because only then does it feel right.
i am afraid. you know.
that while walking your way, i will lose mine."
"well dearest, as long as you want to be with me..."
"i do. i really do."
"then go down the mountain, when these words end.
this place is not your refuge.
i am.
and wherever you are, so
am i."
Labels: faith, musing, personal |